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How to Be Rich

You always see that one guy walking down the street who looks like he has it all. The suit, those shoes, oh damn look at that watch, and – no, surely not – yep, that’s his car.

You’re always caught wondering to yourself, how does he appear so bold yet casual? What are his mysterious eyes set on in the distance? Why does he have all the stuff YOU want?

Well, wonder no longer, here is your ticket to the top. If you follow this quick five step guide, and put in a bit of work, that life could be yours.

Tip 1: Buy a nice shirt.

If you’re serious about this whole ordeal, then you gotta start acting serious. When you’re out on the street, you want people to look at you like “damn, that guy looks like he has it all.”

You can do this by simply investing in a nice shirt. Louis Vuitton has some nice shirts. You should dress like Louis Vuitton, rich people always talk about him.

Tip 2: Believe.

Constantly remind yourself. I am rich. One of life’s greatest lessons is that in order to succeed, you must believe.

In the Disney thriller Finding Nemo, Nemo’s dad had to believe that he would find his kid, and (spoiler alert) at the end of the movie, turns out Nemo actually finds his dad!

In order to be rich you must first believe that you will find rich, and rich will find you.


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Tip 3: Put all your money in stocks.

If there’s one thing we’ve learnt about 21st century life, it’s that the stock market is important, and everybody who invests in stocks always look like they have money, so they probably do. So you should probably put all your money in stocks too.

But not just any stocks, go for the ones that no one knows about.

This way, in 5 years’ time, when the company you haven’t even heard of yourself takes off, you’ll be laughing at all the other suckers who were calling you names such as “idiot” and other mean things like “man-that-doesn’t-sound-like-a-good-idea”.

Tip 4: Always look at your watch.

Rich people always look at their wrist-watches. Why? Who knows, but it probably means you should get one. But not just any wrist-watch. Get a Rolex.

A Rolex is possibly a dual investment. Not only is it good for looking at, it’s extremely useful for name dropping.


Going the other way? 17 Signs You’re Up Shit Creek


Tip 5: Name drop.

You should always name drop. But not just any form of name dropping, subtle name dropping. Things that inconspicuously intertwine into your conversations, such as: “Yeah it’s crazy! I was in New York recently on a business trip and we… yada yada yada.”

While you continue the rest of the unimportant sentence, the person you are talking to has already stopped listening to you. Instead, their internal thinker is going crazy with thoughts like, “Who is this person? They must have money? They must have power? New York? That’s where rich people go for business trips! I want what this person has.”

Even if you didn’t go to New York recently, or have ever been to New York. No one’s ever gonna know. Why? Because rich people don’t get asked questions.

If you carefully follow these 5 simple instructions, you will probably be rich in no time.