Life Lessons from the Best of Political Stuff-Ups Part 2

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury politicians, not to praise them. The Hip Pocket has once again granted me permission to roast those who represent us in the interest of education. Oh yes, there will be blood.

Tony Abbott

Before you say anything, yes, I lampooned Anthony in my original article on politicians being daft, but there is something special about Abbott…let me explain.

During his term as PM, Abbott was a bumbling dimwit who displayed the grace of a drunken toddler and the integrity of, well, a drunken toddler. Yet, in the time since his premature departure from the throne, Abbott has become so much more. Like a Pokemon who evolves, Tony has bloomed into a unique and powerful force.

Sure, most of us looked upon him and thought he was a fool, yet since leaving office, it has become apparent that there is more to Abbott than meets the eye. It’s clear that Tony Abbott is the greatest performance artist of our time! Ok, just breathe and count to 10, I know it’s a lot to take in. Sure, when we think of performance artists, we think of Andy Kaufman and Shia LaBeouf, but Abbott has transcended the game.

Just think about it for a moment. The leader of a country eating an onion on camera? Really? Ok, let’s say that was a one off brain explosion; let’s look deeper. After leaving the Australian Metropolis we call Canberra, what has Tony been doing? Oh that’s right, Tony purchased a second-hand fridge on Gumtree for $300 off a regular punter and got a photo with him. Go back and read that last sentence again. Good.

Let’s consider Abbotts income, post-Prime Minister. I’d bet vital parts of my anatomy that the man can afford to purchase brand new white goods directly from the source, plus delivery and installation. Now as if that wasn’t enough, the man’s rampage continues. Remember when Tone-Dog crashed the Greens Xmas party drinks? This writer does. It was beautiful.

The Greens throw an Xmas rager and who should be spotted having a sneaky bev at the same venue…none other than Twelve-Pint-Tony. Christian-God bless that man! Now, admittedly, this section on Capital T has gone on a little long, so I’ll wrap things up.

My final piece of proof that Tony Abbott has become the world’s greatest troll is the recent story of him dropping in on a local teen while surfing. CHECKMATE!!! Talk about a slam dunk. I was always a hater of Tony Abbott, but the man has taught me that your art is worth suffering for. Most won’t get it at the time, if at all, but in the end, you’re not performing for public approval…

Donald Trump

There are so many things I’d like to say about this man, but unfortunately, I am bound by a strict word count, so I’ll do my best to keep it brief. The most powerful weapon in Donald’s arsenal is his ability to remain as vague as possible. That’s it.

His lack of specificity is unbelievably influential. Take for example his defence in relation to stating the need to go after the families of terrorists. To most, such a statement would be interpreted as the attacking of said families. Fun fact; did you know that deliberately attacking civilians, including those who are related to terrorists, constitutes a war crime?  Wow, imagine living in a time in which association is not an admission of guilt! But once again, I digress.

Donald “Drumpf” Trump, the son of Fred Christ (Alta Vista it, I’m not crazy), is a seminal grandstander. Look through the ample footage of him at rallies, debates and interviews and you’ll notice a trend. Donald is the ultimate demagogue.

I’ve been following the Donald Trump bandwagon from the start when he was just a punchline, all the way through to the frightening, maniacal, blatantly racist, and slightly genocidal Freeza-esque figure he has now become. And no, I will not apologise for the Oxford comma.

I’m sure you’ve all seen the news articles exclaiming the fact that even Republicans are concerned about the rise of The Donald as the Republican frontrunner. We have a problem here, folks. Many see him as an issue. His majority don’t. I wish I had a happy ending for you, but I don’t.

If there’s a lesson to take away from Trump, it’s that the lowest common denominator doesn’t want common sense leading them, it wants knee jerk reactions, band aid solutions and vague statements that merely mention topical subjects (without addressing them).

Listening to Donald Trump is like reading a news headline without reading the article content. Throw away phrases that don’t correctly capture the context are always influential when you disregard the facts. But then again, we don’t want to lose, right… whatever that actually means?

Cory Bernardi

The homophobic idiot that says the Safe Schools program promotes a ‘homosexual agenda’. I guess the lesson here is if you agree with Cory Bernardi, please join us in the 21st century where bigotry is a dying beast.

Seriously, dude, get in the bin.

And fucking stay there.