LinkedIn or Out of the Loop?

With over 350 million users strutting their professional stuff on this check-me-out-I’m-awesome site, LinkedIn is a job seekers virtual Career Wonderland.

Whether you’re social media savvy or (like me) awkwardly negotiating your way through the digital ether, it’s a useful platform for self-promotion and networking with like-minded (or not – who cares, you just need a job) individuals.

But how can you get cut-through amid such a dizzying constellation of motivated superstars?

Use your head

Headlines can be ball breakers. Keep yours short, sharp and sucky. Pretend you’re The Shit and you’ve only got 120 characters to sell yourself in order to land a dream job, corporate account, work car and 13 inch MacBook Air. Oh and sizeable Christmas bonus.

The no-shame name

Don’t use nicknames or cutesy references, even if you truly believe you are a sales rock star, marketing guru or best damn designer in the free world.

It’s banal, boring and just plain gag-inducing (and your future boss will ignore it anyway). And make sure your current title isn’t BS. Hundreds of people will know it and they’ll call you on it.

Get your own Uniform Resource Locator

OK, I looked that up, but derrrrr … it stands for URL. Get one. Then paste that bad boy all over the net. FB it, Tweet it, Instagram it, hell, take a friggin selfie with it tattooed on your forehead and Snapchat it.

What ever it takes to blatantly prostitute yourself (in a professional manner of course).

The Photes is Totes (Important)

Apparently you can achieve 14 times more profile views with a good photo. Now, by ‘good’ I don’t mean a photo explicitly displaying you (a) hungover,  (b) PMS-affected (c) in Cranky Town or (d) in a state clearly affected by substances that may cause you to exhibit a face like a dropped pie.

Not ideal.

It should also NOT be your profile pic for Tinder. And I know you know what I mean.

The Shit Bit

I always find the Summary bit the worst. To put it bluntly, it sounds a bit masturbatory. But this is probably where your new super duper boss will look next.

List a short summary of your career goals with lots of fancy, over-zealous adjectives (don’t) and attach a CV or folio to make you look even more appealing. Work it baby.

SO experienced

List your past jobs (yes! I’ve had one) with the most recent first (yes! I’ve still got one) and detail your job description and character strengths (please note: ‘best lay’ or ‘great at accessorising’ are not considered ‘strengths’).

And the fact that you were a check-out chick at 15 won’t help either. Add the skills you think you can get away with and include how long you’ve been at your current employers.

Although, if it’s in the realm of 10 minutes to a couple of excruciating days, best leave it out.

Course I’m edumacated

Yep, time to pull out all the stops. List all possible educational achievements, dodgy online training courses and certificates signed by anyone with letters after their name.

Rifle through that mouldy shoebox of childhood paraphernalia and dust off whatever is stamped with a “Successfully Completed” logo. Your grade 5 open water swimming certificate is probs not relevant.

Other Stuff that will Make You Look Good

Volunteered at the local Girl Scout Sausage Sizzle? Plug it in. Walked 10ks out of 100 for Oxfam? It’s still ace.

Apparently, one in five managers hire employees because of their volunteering efforts. And helpy stuff can’t hurt eh?

Shiny things will also add to your visually delightful profile. Designed a logo? Attach that sucker. Smashed a Powerpoint presentation? Insert that doc. All your busyness will show the New Honch what an empathetic, multi-skilled and an all-round talented dude you are. Such an asset.

For a more useful (but c’mon, far less entertaining) guide to using LinkedIn, check out The Ultimate Cheat Sheet . And once you’ve nabbed that job, stay cool.