Pokémon GO is Catching Up to Twitter, Among Other Lit Statistics  

Whether you’ve joined the leagues of reformed Pokémon trainers excitedly scouring the streets for tiny invisible monsters, or you just mumble “youths” under your breath when you see it in action, you can’t deny the waves that Pokémon GO is making around the world.

If anything I’ve just mentioned sounds foreign to you, let me explain. Pokémon GO is the new augmented reality game being played on smartphones across the country. Once downloaded, the game relies on your actual GPS position to find and catch and battle the Pokémon lurking around you. It’s all very exciting.

Like the crafty assholes they are, criminals have already taken advantage of the app, using it to lure unsuspecting victims to secluded locations where they can be robbed. The seductive lure of a Pikachu knows no limits.

As well as causing traffic chaos in the states, (Pokémon care little for roads) a woman in the US state of Wyoming discovered a dead body while on the hunt for monsters. Back home, folks have been causing all manner of mischief, from falling into ditches to wandering into police stations to get dem sweet Pokéballs.

If that wasn’t convincing enough, data released by SimilarWeb is sure to blow your tired, post-weekend mind. Only 2 days after it’s release, Pokémon GO was already installed on 5.16 percent of all US Android devices, more than double the number of Tinder users. Dates will only hinder your progress as a Pokémon Master. Write that down.

Engagement is stupidly high too, with 60% of Android users logging on daily to catch and fight their Pokémans. To put that into terrifying perspective, it’s likely that GO will soon surpass Twitter in this regard. Who needs social media when you have, like, 17 Zubats?

Users are also spending more time on the app, clocking an average of 43 minutes and 23 seconds per day.

All of this commotion adds up to an absolute shit-tonne of cash, with the daily revenue generated estimated at around 1.6 million bones. Pi-ka-ching!

In summary, this game is simultaneously enriching and damaging lives. If you’re gonna venture into the tall grass to catch some pocket monsters of your own, for the love of god, watch where you’re going. And whatever you do, don’t play while you’re driving, unless you actually want your tombstone to read “Died trying to catch the Duduo sitting on his passenger seat”.