The Jerks of Public Transport

To avoid costly car expenses such as petrol, rego, repairs and of course to avoid drink driving, most young people today turn to public transport to get to work and social outings.

Hopefully, you are one of the many polite and decent citizens who know the do’s and don’ts about traveling on public transport, but if you’re not or you know someone who needs a stern reminder, please read on and share this article so that the rest of us bus or train catching veterans can travel home in a stench free, well-mannered and civilised fashion. Hopefully.

Pack her in, boys!


The loud talkers


As much as you are hating on your boyfriend and want to yell expletives at him on your ride home, the rest of your public transport fellows do not.

We also don’t want to hear about how good he was in bed last night or about the ten different positions you tried out in the shower, so keep your dirty talk to yourself. This goes for trash talk or angry phone calls to the bank as well. There’s a time a place and public transport is not one of them.


The seat hoggers


This isn’t third grade anymore, you can’t save seats, so get you bag, foot, lunch box or third leg off the spare seat next to you. The 80-year-old women standing in front of you waving her cane around probably needs the seat more than your Gucci purse.

This also applies to the pregnant women and the poor dude with the broken leg. Pay attention, get some manners fast and move your lazy arse.


Death by backpack


Backpacks are not an extension of your body, you can remove them, preferably before you knock out ten people on your way to a seat. So take it off before you get on the bus or train. It’s not rocket science.


The sleepy heads


We all know what it feels like to have lost some valuable Z’s the night before or how long and hard your day has been, but we don’t care.

So stop drooling on my shoulder, stop leaning on my arm, stop snoring and wake up! My breast is not your pillow!


I’m too cool for headphones


As much as you love trying to rap along to Eminem’s latest album at 8am on your bus ride in, the rest of us probably don’t want to. We each have our own tastes.

You see, they invented these things called headphones in the 50’s and you put them in your music device and plug them into your ears so you can listen to whatever you like all on your own. So buy some you fool!


The downright disgusting


Have a weird fetish? Like the smell of your own farts? Feeling a bit pervy? Whatever disgusting habit you have, please save it until you are in the comfort of your own home or even the pavement as soon as you leave the bus or train. At least then we can get away.

With a freak on the bus like yourself, the bus or train is like a torture chamber for the rest of us. Please have mercy on our poor souls!

I actually don’t know what to write here. So many questions.