The Startup’s Guide to a Cool Business Name

Business names are important, especially if you’re pouring thousands of dollars into something that you hope takes off, only to be let down by a weak first impression.

In light of all this hoo-ha about innovation in Australia, not to mention the attractive tax incentives, it’s never been a better time to start a business in our fine country.

So you have your million-dollar idea and you’re ready to start drawing up your business plan, the only thing you need now is a catchy name for your venture. Where do you start?

Chill out friends, I’ve taken inspiration from the best companies in the world to bring you a definitive guide to naming your business. Strap yourselves in, fam.


Step 1: Fuck vowels


Vowels are dumb, just get rid of them dude, all the cool kids are doing it! Tindr, Grindr, Tumblr, Flickr, nobody has time for more than one vowel, particularly E’s, so remove them promptly.


Step 2: Mash two words together


Think of two words that sum up your business, then Frankenstein that shit to create a new word. The dictionary has no jurisdiction in the valley of your creativity. Write that down.

Not convinced? Allow me to blow your mind apart with some examples:

YouTube, BOOM!

PayPal, BLAMMO!

Snapchat, BANG M8!

As an added advantage, you’ll know that you’ve “made it” when the squiggly red line stops appearing underneath it in Microsoft Word. Check it daily.


Step 3: Just write down a noise


Yeah, you read that right, just write down something you hear. Anything you want, homeslice! Here are some well known examples:

Skype

Kaggle

Etsy

Zynga

Try to get creative with this. Throw a rubber duck into a bucket of ping pong balls suspended from a Hills Hoist and record the results. This shall be your new business name.


 Step 4: Add “ly” to the end of the name


This is for an added cuteness to your brand… I think.

It’s one thing to just have an “ly” in the name, but for it to be legitimately cute, you need to secure a “.ly” URL. For example, bit.ly or reach.ly. Not doing this is like pretending to be a bikie when you’re clearly just riding a lawnmower. You gotta earn your colours, man.


Step 5: Correct spelling is for losers


Got an ~edgy~ brand? Well give it an ~edgy~ name ya dingus!

Nothing screams creativity like a misspelled word. Digg, Lyst, Reddit, it’s a real hit I tell ya!

It’s like intentionally telling a poorly executed joke that’s not funny just so you can say “that’s the joke” in your best McBain voice in the hope that your Simpsons quote will be funnier than the lame joke.

Trust me, it’s solid gold.